The Walking Dead sucks.

Like many others with an unnatural love for the undead I eagerly awaited the premier of AMC's “The Walking Dead”. Then the show began and I proceeded to share texts with friends and quips with my wife over this train wreck I was watching. Too bad, they tried to make a serious zombie drama and failed. Better luck next time. Then the next day came and my brain reacted a little something like this:

“What the fuck, people LIKED it?!” Liked may not be the right word, apparently they LOVED it. And by 'they' I mean everyone.

Have I gone mad? Was I maybe watching a different show than the rest of the world? I am beginning to think that is the case. Apparently it is the best show on TV. I would agree, but only if your TV transmits constant white noise until 10pm Sunday night when, magically, only AMC works for an hour.

But even that statement is slightly exaggerated. White noise would probably end up being better scripted with more endearing characters.

Every single character on the show is such a comical, over exaggeration of a stereotype. So the obvious solution was to cast completely hollow, wooden actors to under perform the roles. Do you know what the name is of any single character on the show? I do. Main character, Asian kid, black guy, white supremacist, cheating best friend, other black guy, old guy, ambiguous ethnic guy, and zombie. If you can honestly say you know the name of any character then I dare you to admit whether you read it previously in a write up for the show. Every character spouts their cliched dialogue while Main Character waxes poetic over every single zombie/horse/object he finds. “Wait! This zombie had a name once! I will tell my family his tale!” You know what other zombies had names once too? All of them. Go grab all their wallets so you can spin a truly epic yarn for Wife, Son and Cheating best friend.

Not one character has a fleshed out personality to create any kind of emotional attachment. Dialogue barrels past in double time as if spoken by Microsoft Sam. There is no tension created because there is no one to care about losing. If we are lucky Episode 3 will open with every single character on the show dying and the real cast and story beginning proper.

Main Character wants us to believe that there is only us and them now. That humans are all equal in the face of this crisis and we must stand together. Which is why as soon as the opportunity presented itself he changed back into his sheriff's clothes so we never forget he is the 'law', he is justice. No matter what happens, he will don those clothes every episode like the cartoon character version of himself that he is, as if to always remind us of this fact. White supremacist remembered to wear his leather biker vest to zombie apocalypse too so we can easily identify his stereotype. Now, cue Main Character standing off camera as White supremacist drops his asshole, N-bomb filled monologue so we feel like we are watching something edgy, then BAM step back in after a minute or so and punch him at the most climactic moment! Now its your turn for another cliched speech. But no! You don't want to be a leader, you are just a simple man looking for your family.

Now walk away humbly.

Best new show on television.

Thank god it was already renewed for a 2^nd season...